Jayden's Birth

From the moment my mom announced she was pregnant with my twin sisters I have been obsessed with birth stories. Some kids watched Nickelodeon, I watched "Bringing Home Baby". Birth is incredible and so exciting. Its sacredness has never been lost on me, and so as I approached my baby's birth it was all I could do to contain my excitement.

On Thursday October 10 I started having cramping. Nothing bad, just enough to get my attention. I thought it was weird, but as I was just under a month away from my due date I didn't worry. The next Monday I had a doctors appointment decided to ask him what he thought about my going to St. George for three days on Tuesday in light of my cramping. Now, my doctor is SUPER lax about pregnancy rules...i.e. he told me to go ahead and eat sushi, hot tub, and drink cold medicine all while wake boarding if I wanted, so I guessed that my concern would be shushed and soothed. Surprisingly though, he said that I should maybe rethink my plans. He wouldn't give me a definite yes or no, just that I needed to recognize that my having a baby on the Southern I-15 was a real possibility. Still, I was convinced that I shouldn't worry and put it from my mind.

The cramping got worse. That evening as I was preparing some dinners to put in the freezer I laughed with Carter over the possibility of our having the baby in the next few days...all while grimacing in pain over contractions that were coming every 11 minutes. We talked with family, and joked about my being in "real labor", not thinking it possible...contractions started coming every 10 minutes. Finally, after tossing and turning I got up at 2 am and decided to try and slow the pains down. Nothing worked, and they were coming every 7 minutes. At 6am as Carter was waking up, I told him that I didn't think I would be going to St. George.

I sent Carter off to school, saying I'd call him when I needed to, but thinking that I probably wouldn't for a long time. Wrong again. Two hours later I was on the ground rocking and breathing every 6 minutes. I cleaned the apartment in between contractions until finally at 10am the pain was so bad that my gag reflex was triggered with each cramp. I decided that whether or not this was the real thing, I wanted my husband there. I texted him and ten minutes later he found me on the family room floor trying to breathe. I was still too scared about going to the hospital--I didn't want to be sent home. But after a walk around the block (or rather a slow limp with Carter supporting me most of the way) I decided that I should probably go see what was going on.
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On the way there was a noticeable increase in the strength of my contractions, my fears about this not being the "real" thing started to go away, because if it wasn't, then I refused to go through real thing. We got to the hospital and the nicest, most angelic nurse helped me into a room to get checked out. They said that although I was only at 4.5 cm I could go ahead and stay. They then asked if I wanted an epidural to which I responded with a resounding YES! They got me settled into a room (right next to the "nutrition" room which Carter loved) and the doctor came in and broke my water. I was given my epidural and checked again. In just an hour and a half I had gone from 4.5 to 7cm. My nurses were shocked and knew they'd better keep an eye on me. By 2pm I was ready to start pushing, but because the doctor wasn't there they just had me rest and let Jayden descend on his own. At 4:10 the doctor came in and had me push. After 4 contractions worth of pushing my precious little boy made his way into the world. He weighed 5lbs, 15oz and was 18" long.

My nurses were amazed at how quickly my labor progressed; they told me I was the fastest new mom they'd ever had. I guess that's a good thing, I'm not really sure. I had such a great experience at the hospital; the medical team was so efficient and respectful of this special time for Carter and I. They came in, quietly did their thing, and left. Our room was so homey and huge! They had a bed for Carter and let him have whatever he wanted from the snack room. After watching "The Business of Being Born" I was kind of scared of hospitals, but honestly, my experience was fantastic.

Oh and speaking of fantastic, I LOVED my epidural. I know some people are really passionate about natural births, and that's AWESOME for them, but for me, the epidural made the experience so wonderful. I was able to truly enjoy my baby's birth because I wasn't delirious with pain. But again, that's just me :) I didn't have any negative affects from it and would highly recommend getting one. Its true that it took some time before I could get up and walk around (about 5 hours) but I don't know that I would've wanted to anyways. I was able to jog (slowly!) again 2 weeks after Jayden was born, so I wouldn't say that the epidural made my recovery harder.

Carter was such a support to me. While I felt the full strength of the contractions, he was by my side, supporting and loving me. He helped me as I pushed by encouraging me and letting me know how I was progressing. He even got to cut jaydens cord! I'm so glad he was there, husbands are just so great. 

Though she was happy to be there if I wanted her, my mom counseled me to just have Carter there as Jayden came so that we could have that special time be just for our family. I know a lot of people like to have their family there, and that's great, but I'm happy I took my mom's advice. There was a sweet, pure spirit as he was born and I'm happy that it was a sacred time for just us.

But luckily she showed up about 8 hours after he was born. And man oh man did she save my bacon! I often felt overwhelmed as doctors, nurses, and lactation consultants came and ran me over with information. I would try to pay attention to their instructions, but was too tired to really take it in. My mom was there to listen for me and let me know what info was really necessary. I struggled with breast feeding, and was so grateful for her wisdom. The only complaint I had with my hospital was their assigned lactation consultants. Though they meant well, it is NEVER good to dump two ocean loads of information on a brand new, tired momma. Especially when she's struggling to keep back tears because you've implied that her baby will starve due to a subpar "football" hold...(take that with a grain of salt, I was seriously out of it when the consultant visited).

But I digress...

Jayden is just so precious. My feelings of love for him are overwhelming. I am so grateful for his health and for the opportunity I have to be his momma. I don't take my time with him for granted :) 

Right after he was born

All cleaned up! 

First family picture

Swimming in his new born clothes

I love this baby boy! 

Fall Happenings

 Growing up, I was always a summer girl. But man alive, this year I sure welcomed the fall. Perhaps it was the beauty of the changing leaves, or the cooling temperature (which my pregnant body really loved) or maybe the fact that it meant my due date was approaching. Yeah, definitely that last one. But here's what we were up to besides waiting for the big day.

 Carter was being a rock star husband. This semester has been NUTS for him. He has 16.5 credits of 300+ level engineering classes (no easy classes in there! and yes he has all As...crazy man), serves as an ASCE officer for BYU, works as a temple ordinance worker, is first counselor in the elders quorum presidency, TAs for an engineering class, and has a family at home that likes his attention. The guy has been out of his mind busy. Over the work week, if I can snag him for some dinner and a half hour of chitchatting I'm a lucky girl. The poor guy will really appreciate this upcoming thanksgiving break. But despite how busy he is, he never complains. He always takes me out for a weekly date, texts me during the day to see how I am, and lets me talk his ear off while he falls asleep at night (which doesn't take long). I really appreciate all that he does for us. He's doing an awesome job with his schooling and has been able to have lunch with some cool engineers. He decided to go ahead and finish his masters right after he gets his BS. Originally he wanted to take some time to work before continuing on, but we decided it'd be easier to just get'r'done. So we'll be in Provo for an extra year or two.

 Before Jayden was born I was working on two online classes and frantically trying to get in 200 hours of an internship as an ultrasound tech. To graduate in my major, I need 200 hours of an internship, and although I still have two more semesters of school, I wanted to get it done before the baby came. If I could work normal work days this wouldn't have been hard, but the problem was that the bulk of the hours available to us were supposed to come from spending time in St. George at the Huntsmen Senior Games performing ultrasounds on athlete's carotid arteries. Before the games, we were just to spend an hour or two a day practicing. I stretched it 2-4 hours a day so I could get more clock time, but still only had 60 hours under my belt when the Games came along. This wasn't a problem though because I would earn 50 hours for each week of Games I attended (they went over the space of 2 weeks and if I went to both I could get 100 hours) and then the week after, my fellow interns and I had been invited to work at a fair in Spanish Fork, so that would've given me the remaining 40 hours. I had everything planned out and was going to finish...but Jayden had other ideas.

At general conference! We stayed at a cabin in Park City with some friends :) 

Picture I took on my walk over to get carter from the priesthood session. So gorgeous! 

In St George at the Huntsmen Senior Games ultra sounding athletes carotid arteries 

Third Trimester

My third trimester was awesome...ly hard. But also awesome. Here are some of the cool things, and some of the...well..funny, but not very fun things. 

I could feel my baby move a LOT! I really loved watching my belly dance as he did his own little kick box routine. I could begin to distinguish his little body parts and loved to try to wake him up when I wanted him to move some more. I felt like he always woke up when Carter would talk to him, especially when he played the guitar. Maybe it was just a coincidence, but I'd like to think that Jayden knew his daddy's voice. It was nice to be on the homestretch. I was anxious to see my little boy.

I started really gaining weight, which normally would not make me happy, but since it was for the baby I was kind of excited. However, the major increase in hunger and thirst was not exciting, just inconvenient. I went 6 months into pregnancy without gaining a lot (about 7-8 pounds by 6 months) but then it was like KA--BOOM! I ended up gaining 29 pounds, which means that in three months I gained like 21-22 lbs. Crazy! I was ALWAYS hungry and thirsty. Especially thirsty. I thought I was thirsty in the second trimester, but holy moly, nope. That wasn't thirst. I could never get enough liquid in me.

Then I was really hot, all the time. If there wasn't moving air, I'd get claustophobic and feel miserable. Poor Carter had to deal with two fans and a blasting AC at night because I could not handle the heat. He was really nice about it though, especially after I bought him ear muffs to wear around the house. Think Father of the Bride Part 2. I almost cried with joy when our hotel room in Las Vegas had an AC that would get the room to a breezy 60'. You can bet I had that puppy going constantly.

Obviously, with the heat comes the swelling. I finally gave up on wearing my normal wedding ring because I preferred to have blood circulating in my finger. I wore my back up big ring, but missed the real thing. When we went to Vegas for the weekend we'd walk around in 95-110' heat and Carter says he could feel a very noticeable difference in my hand size. I literally had sausage fingers. I wish I took a picture because it was kind of cool looking, but oh well. Next pregnancy. All of my shoes felt too small and I'm sure I had awesome cankles. Again, I wish I had taken a picture.

I think the biggest thing that I struggled with was the fatique and discomfort that comes with having an awkward sized body. I always felt SO tired and achy. Baths and hot tubs became my best friends. I couldn't really sleep at night because I was so uncomfortable and would then feel even more tired. The Harry Potter books saved my bacon because holy cow, its hard to not go insane when its 3am and your exhausted but cannot sleep. I would pretty much read all night until I finally crashed. But hey, having to read Harry Potter is never a bad thing! I love those books

34 weeks into my pregnancy I started having contractions. There was a lot of pressure in my lower tummy and I felt really off. We went to Labor and Delivery and turns out I had a kidney infection. I really hate crying wolf so it was a real struggle to admit that I needed to go to the doctor, but I'm so happy I did because had we waited, the kidney infection would've gotten real labor going and I would've ended up having my baby. The nurse in the hospital said that it was really smart to go when I did. I'm glad we caught it in time. They gave me a few IVs of antibiotics and sent me on my way. Man I'm grateful for modern medicine. That could've been bad!

But anyways...the third trimester was definitely better than the first, but I was still more than ready to be done with being pregnant. I couldn't wait to meet my boy!

At 33 weeks

While in Vegas

Right before a run (walk)...I think 30 weeks? Not sure

37 weeks, right before I had him.

Pics of Summer Fun

So...I'm dumb. I've tried to get this post perfect approximately 291 times. But I keep deleting the pictures I put up. And I can't format them the way I want. So I gave up for a few months and now I'm super behind in posting about life at the Livingston house. So sorry posterity, but I'll try to do a good recap.

Here are some of the summer pictures that I didn't delete:

At the Fourth of July Parade by our apartment. I had just woken up...obvioulsy

7 Peaks! We got cheap Pass of all Passes and have enjoyed playing at the waterpark

At the Goo Goo Doll and Matchbox Twenty Concert in Vegas...so fun!

We went on a couples camp out and these are the wives! Super fun!

Over summer we: 

*Camped with friends from the ward

*Hiked to the natural hot springs (I nearly died)

*Hiked Bridal Veil Falls (didn't know there was a trail leading up to it, so perhaps "climbed" Bridal Veil Falls is more appropriate)

*Watched the extended versions of Lord of the Rings and looked what we didn't understand...thus upping our nerdiness from a 7.7 to a solid 9 

*Watched my belly jump around as Jayden kicked me

*Hot tubbed and/or swam about every other day

*Almost died in the heat, oh wait that was me

*Slept on the floor of our front room because our bedroom didn't get air from the AC

*Had the AC and two fans going constantly, and still felt too hot (me again)

*Worked at the temple as ordinance workers

*Carter was called as first counselor in the EQP

*I was called as the secretary for the Relief Society...its been rough, I'm horrible at technology and keep messing things up, but my president is incredibly patient so they haven't fired me yet

*Went to LA to visit Gracie, Kevin, and Kyrie

*Went to Auburn to visit family

*Wakeboarded while in Auburn...a lot (not enough according to Carter)

*Got sun burnt at Seven Peaks

*Did silly Prenatal youtube work outs (that was Carter...) (kidding)

*Read Harry Potter again for the 1,238th time

*Worked as a soils technician intern (Carter)

*Worked in the Library for half the summer (me)

*Started an online certification program to become a group fitness instructor (me)

*watched my belly grow

*cooked thanksgiving dinner because I was craving it

It was a great summer! But we were happy to move on and begin fall semester. Especially since it meant Jayden's due date was fast approaching! 

Lake Fun and Baby Pictures

Happy almost 4th of July! We're here in Provo enjoying/enduring the +100' weather. Its crazy to think that just a few months ago it was consistently -0'. We regularly (sneak) go over to the local student housing apartments to use their pool; thus far we've been able blend in with the students who actually live there, but with my growing belly we've started to get a few raised eye brows. In our defense tho...throughout the entire time we lived there it was too cold to use the pool. So we're just making up for what we missed out on...right? ummm...

Last weekend we hung out with cousins who were on their way to Lake Powell. My uncle had just got a sweet new ski boat and took us for an early morning run on Utah Lake. I haven't skied since I was about 11 so I opted out but Carter had fun. Then last weekend we headed up to Blackfoot Idaho to see my Grandparents. We got to wake board on American Falls on Saturday afternoon behind a Malibu Wakesetter....needless to say, Carter was in heaven. The temperature was perfect and there wasn't a boat in sight. We had so much fun!

Seeing my grandparents was great. They really spoiled and loved on us. They are just such good people; a very inspiring and hard working couple. Every time I'm with them I want to be a better person. They've definitely left all 50+ of their grand kids a legacy to live up to (I've lost track of how many great grand kids we're up to, but when Carter joined the fam he was number 118).

My studly husband!

Yesterday, as I was puttering around the house, getting stuff done, I felt a lot of pain and pressure in my lower abdomen. I think my baby is in the midst of a growth spurt because these past couple weeks have been pretty uncomfortable---nothing awful, but just constant and annoying. I'll go walk for about 45 minutes and then have to waddle home because I feel so cramped up. Well, I decided to call the doctor, just to see if I should worry about it. He told me to come in for a couple tests, so I did but everything looked good. Just to make sure though, they bumped my ultrasound up to Wednesday. I was super excited---I hadn't planned on knowing the gender until July 18!

This morning we went in and got to watch our baby on the ultrasound. Its a BOY! I was right about him being a crazy active baby; he would NOT hold still for the camera. Except he didn't ever move his head---that was nuzzled very low inside me, which is why the doc thinks I've been feeling so much pressure. It's as if he's trying to poke his head out, but the rest of his body goes all over the place. Our poor ultrasound tech had to work extra hard to get images of him. He's a stubborn little guy! He was kicking really hard at the ultrasound wand as if he was trying to play. When we saw his little face my heart melted. He was sucking on his fingers and then sticking out his tongue and smiling. I can't believe there's a real person inside of me.

 To be honest, I'm nervous about raising a boy---I helped my mom a lot with my little sisters but I was too young to do anything but tease my little brothers. I guess it'll work out though. Carter's overjoyed and is already planning the baby's first wake board run. I'm happy Carter gets a little man cub to be buds with because he's definitely had to deal with a lot of estrogen lately...poor guy.

But anyways, I love my little boy and am so excited to meet him. We're just so blessed with how everything's worked out. I know a lot of people dream of having children and then really struggle, so I hope everyone knows that I don't take this responsibility lightly. Despite all my complaining (I apologize for my first preggo post, I'm a little embarrassed about all my whining) I know that the ability to have a child is a miraculous gift. I am just so grateful!

Second Trimester and Beautiful Vistas

“Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to just be people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey…delays…sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling burst of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”

― Gordon B. Hinckley

A Beautiful Vista

This is my favorite quote of the week. My life is very very consistently wonderful---but not because its a big party where everything goes right. One of the lessons I'm beginning to learn is that life is great not because of a lack of problems, but because of the many lessons to be learned and the relationships to be had.

Speaking of really great things, I'm officially 20 weeks along and HALFWAY THERE!! I've been singing Bon Jovi's Livin' On a Prayer all day. My exhaustion levels have upgraded from barely twitching zombie to slightly-faster-than-normal sloth. I'm not back to usual but at least I can think about more than when I get to sleep again. This makes school, work, and keeping up with the house soooo much easier.

But the best news is...I LIKE FOOD AGAIN! Halllelllujahhhh!! I haven't been nauseous in over a week and actually enjoy cooking. I've especially enjoyed and wanted fresh foods---such a relief considering how before, looking at a salad could put me in fetal position (kidding...kind of). Maybe this is because my body was beginning to worry about my baby's chemical make up coming primarily from sour gummy worms and pot stickers. The only foods I really don't like are, surprisingly, desserts. This is the first time in my existence that I have not liked sweet things. I've always had to fight with my sweet tooth, and so while its nice to actually want the cucumber over a cookie, I kind of feel like a part of myself is missing. But lets be honest, it'll be back soon :)

As far as cravings go, besides my borderline disturbing love of California's Taco Tree nachos, I have found myself always wanting potatoes. Mashed, baked, whatever, I want them. And as mentioned in a previous post, I won't say no to red meat. Steak...mmmm...Oh and water is always good. Despite my drinking 1.5 oceans a day I STILL feel thirsty.

The only things not so fabulous are just those that come with normal pregnancy. Braxton's are super rude and can sneak up on me in really awkward situations (talking to someone, and suddenly my tummy hardens and squeezes, contorting my face into a constipated-esque grimace). I don't sleep well at night, between the leg cramps and bathroom breaks I'm up, at best, every two hours. Poor Carter has finally gotten used to it...except for when I scream at him at 2 am to come kill a nasty, huge spider by the toilet.

Then there's growing pains. I can tell that this baby is growing a lot because one week I looked fairly normal and the next I was definitely pregnant. And ever since, I've just grown and grown. The ligaments are stretching and my innards are moving! This has made exercise awkward. I don't run anymore because it hurts too bad. My joints ache and I cramp up constantly so I'm calling it quits, at least until this current growth spurt calms down a little. Luckily I've found gentler ways to work out, so I'm not insane yet, but I definitely miss my morning runs. Totally worth it though.

But of course none of this matters because I can consistently feel my baby moving! I love knowing that he/she's actually inside of me all safe, warm, and happily playing. I can't wait until Carter will be able to feel! This is all just so fun!

But anyways, that's enough pregnancy talk. I'm really grateful for this baby and can't wait to meet it. We find out the gender in a month so stay tuned!!

Awesome Dads

In honor of Father's Day weekend I wanted to take a moment and publicly thank all the awesome men in my life. I'm one of those really blessed people to have been raised and surrounded by honorable, fun, strong, kind, loving, brave, and hardworking men. Some of these men have kids of their own and some don't, but each has made an impact in my life.

There are two guys that I especially want to shout out to. First, my own dad. My dad is wonderful. In a million little ways he lets each of his six children know that they are important to him. He's always been my superhero and is still one of my favorite people to share exciting news with. His generosity and hard work are an example to me of what it means to be a "provider". As I grew up, watching how he honored, loved, respected, and cherished my mom taught me how to expect to be treated by a good man. He helped me value my womanhood by holding women in high esteem. I also appreciate all that he taught me, whether it was in a car ride to the store or in FHE, he passed down a lot of wisdom. I may not have seemed interested at the time, but I am so grateful for the time he took  to teach me; so much of who I am has come from those little moments.

My dad with Dallan, Chancey, and I after we climbed the Y

 Next, I wanted to thank my husband. Naturally, I'm crazy about him, and not just because he's ridiculously good looking. 2.5 months into marriage, I told my husband that I was pregnant (I had gotten a blood test and found out I was 4 weeks along). Obviously, we were both more than a little surprised, but instead of being worried about how everything was going to work, he expressed nothing but excitement, love, and gratitude to God. Not once throughout my pregnancy has he been the slightest bit annoyed with my limited capacity to do what I used to. As I've struggled with nausea, fatigue, etc he has always comforted and loved on me, reminding me that I am "turning food into a baby" and have every right to feel exhausted. He has incredible faith that everything will work out, and works harder than anyone that I know. Seriously, this guy is a MAN. I am so grateful for how he has magnified his role as a "father" by taking care of me and everything that we'll need for our baby. I could go on for days about how much I've grown to love and respect him, but this post is already long. Basically, I love my husband and cannot imagine life without him.

Our wedding day 

Last Weekend

  Last Thursday I met up with my Mom and little sisters Lizi and Annie in SLC to spend the day at the This is the Place Monument: Pioneer Village. I've always been a sucker for "olden day" stuff and so the prospect of spending a day looking at a model of an 1800s town sounded more than appealing. I'd been asking Carter if we could go, especially since its currently the baby animal season (that's right, they let you pet their baby goats) but for some reason he seemed slightly hesitant. Needless to say, he didn't seem too beat up about having to work while we enjoyed the village. 

Annie and Lizi petting baby goats

  After the village my mom treated us girls to pedicures and then she went on her way to Park City to spend the weekend with her mom and sisters. Carter and I took Lizi and Annie to dinner and then went home. On Friday I had work, and Lizi and Annie wanted to join me, so they hung out in the library while I waited for patrons to come check out DVDs. Afterwards we went for a run (more like a walk with hopping in it, my pace can sometimes beat a snail's) and then went home. We made lunch, talked, laughed, watched silly you tube videos and then I took my 2pm nap. When I woke up from my coma we went to get our cousin Abby for a cousin sleep over.

   Carter and I took the girls to pizza and we all bet on how many slices we thought Carter would eat (for the record, he ate 8) and then went to the Nickel Arcade. Carter and I challenged the girls to see who could win the most tickets but then we lost because we were too busy trying to beat each other at the fun games that don't give tickets while they hit up all the jackpot machines. If I ever go to Vegas, I'm bringing one of them, because they seem to have the best luck with winning jackpots.

  With their earnings they "bought" mustaches and then wore them to 7/11 where we got 50 cent slurpees and a Red Box movie. I actually did take a picture of Abby and the twins with their 'staches in 7/11 but being the technological nematode that I am, I deleted them. So in your minds eye picture 3 cute girls with mustaches and slurpies.

  On Saturday we took them to the mall for some shopping and then met up with my mom, who had finished up with her sisters. Sunday we went to church, made a yummy dinner, took a walk, talked/laughed, and then said our goodbyes as they'd all be leaving Monday morning.

  On Monday, Carter and I got some work done, cleaned the house, exercised, grocery shopped, and then went for a hike with some friends to the natural hot springs in Spanish Fork. We had a TON of fun being out in the woods and have planned a few more hikes and camping trips for the near future. I had some awesome pics but they got deleted as well...so picture a super hot, tan guy holding hands with an almost not teenage girl (who looks maybe pregnant or maybe like she had four dozen donuts) next to a cute couple in front of an awesome waterfall.

  Being with family and friends is the best. My little sisters (well all my siblings) are cooler then cool and always bring lots of laughs. And of course, my mom is the most wonderful lady I know and is fun to be around. As usual...life is good.

Funny Pictures and Baby Flutters

First off these are funny

Particularly significant to my family. Sorry if this offends; adoption really is wonderful.

Love this.

I am so excited! I was sitting on my bed studying for a test that I have to take in a few hours when I started poking my stomach. Perhaps it was rude of me to jab at the baby's comfy home but I thought I'd see if I could get him/her dancing, even though I doubted I would feel it. I'm 16 weeks along and have heard of women feeling their babies at this point, but I've also been told that first timers usually don't recognize movements until they're about 19-22 weeks. Anyways, after a few seconds of poking I waited. All of the sudden, tiny flutter whooshing pops tickled my insides!

As a first trimester veteran I feel like I've become an expert with what gas feels like (sorry to gross anyone out) and I can tell you that this was NOT intestinal technical difficulties. I won't go into details on how I know that, but it wasn't. Obviously after I felt the first flutter kick I thought I'd try to coax some more so I started jabbing again. Sure enough, a few seconds later I felt it again. Since then (its been like 15 minutes since the first flutter) I've called Carter, texted my sisters and dad, and am now putting it on the internet. Excited much? Yes I am. I have felt it a few more times and am in HEAVEN! Its so cool to think there's a real mini person in there! I'm hoping that this first interaction of me poking it and it kicking me back isn't indicative of our future relationship, but if so oh well. Needless to say, it will be a while before I get back to studying.

The Ugly Side of "Skinny"

Today I listened as five girls shared the story of their ongoing battle with eating disorders. In every class that I've taken for my major we spend some time studying these brutal mental diseases; their prevalence in our society is astounding and disheartening. Each time I hear the story of a stranger, friend, or relative I feel such a hollowness. What are we doing to our kids?

Of course disordered eating isn't new. In as early as the 13th century we have record of individuals (a lot of women) who would practice starvation and other forms of self deprivation in an attempt to purge their souls of all unholiness. They felt more acceptable to God if they denied themselves food, love, warmth, and any sort of comfort. One women, after feeling revulsion towards the smell of pus on a patient she was tending, felt so angry with herself for being bothered by it that she drank a whole bottle's worth to prove that she could put "mind over matter". So sad.

 From examples like these and many others we see that eating disorders are really a psychological problem. Its a way to gain "control" and deal with deep emotional hardships. Telling a bulimic to "cut it out" is not helpful. These poor people (women AND men) need professional help. They need to know they're loved and deserve to love themselves. But what do we do to help prevent the problem from developing in the first place? As I've thought about it I've come to a few conclusions:

 As much as I'd like to change the fashion industry's adoration of unhealthily skinny girls, at this point in life my ranting and raving will not do much. But...I can change my own perspective. I can choose to not adore any one body type, but rather promote the nurturing of all. In all the stories I've heard from victims of an eating disorder, it wasn't the pressure from fashion industries that eventually got to them. Of course that was there and didn't help things, but rather it was the pressure of home life that really hurt. Maybe their parents divorced, maybe a family member died, maybe their parents or other family  members slyly teased them about their weight, or perhaps they felt such a pressure to be "perfect" that they decided they needed to control their body. Honestly, the biggest one that stood out to me was the hundreds of little seeds planted in a child's brain by their parents. Perhaps their mom always commented on how fat so and so was or perhaps their dad questioned whether a bowl of ice cream with friends would be good for their figure. Overall, the attitudes of the parents towards "fat" people influenced them and gave them a fear of gaining weight.

 Whatever it is that brought about the disease, it seems pretty apparent that more can be done in the home to protect our kids. I'm not blaming parents for their children's eating disorders---everyone is different and sometimes things happen beyond our control. BUT there is more we can do to help.

  When I think about the precious baby growing inside of me, it hurts to think that someday he or she might dislike the amazing body he/she is now developing. I love this child more than I can explain and I want him/her to always know how special he/she is. So, as a mother I will...

1) Never tease about anyone's body. I will not comment on anyone's size. I don't want a subconscious seed of worry to be planted in my child's brain that perhaps if they looked like the person I was teasing, I'd make fun of them too. I will show by example that someone's worth is NOT dependent upon their body type

2) I will not praise my child for their body type. I will not tell my teenage daughter that I like that she's "skinny or thin" or "curvy and full figured" because what if in a few years she wasn't. I will not base my children's beauty upon the shape of their body.

3) I will promote a respect for the body but not an obsession over it. My family will enjoy healthy meals, and by example I will show them the good that comes from staying physically active; but we will go to no extremes. We will have pizza and ice cream nights and I will not compromise important things for my work out time. I want my kids to enjoy being active and eating right, but not obsess over it.

4) I will teach my kids from a young age that dieting is NOT good for children and really (in my opinion) not very good for adults. A healthy lifestyle is key, not cutting out food groups.

5) I will not talk negatively about my body. Especially in front of my kids.

6) I will teach my kids to serve, love, learn, work, and play. A life full of these things is what makes life great---not a size 0 body

Sound crazy? I don't think so. I wish someday to live in a world where we don't focus on our shape. Even if it doesn't necessarily lead to disordered eating in my own children, by not doing the above things I will plant seeds that one body type is better than the other. Then, perhaps my children will be the source of worry to someone who later develops the disease. The problem will be perpetuated unless people take an active stance against it. As was said in a recent study, its ridiculous how America, the most diet crazed, body obsessed country, is also the "fattest". Perhaps if we stepped back, had a little patience with ourselves, committed to reasonable, healthy living, and then forgot about it (taking time to enjoy the more important parts of life) the obesity epidemic and eating disorder problem would die down. Just a thought.

What if everyone had a family who loved unconditionally, supported, uplifted, and taught where true worth came from? How loud would negative messages from "school, media, fashion, and peers" be? 

**For those who do have children who are at an unhealthy weight (over or under) can I just get on my soap box one more time? DON'T NAG THEM ABOUT IT! They know. Yes, they know, they're smart enough to realize that their not the "ideal" (which is so dumb). The best thing you can do is A: understand that children are on their own growing curve. Some bodies like to be big, some like to be small. Really this curve isn't in their control so don't make them feel bad about it. It is HARDLY EVER good for a child to try and lose weight. Unless your doctor specifically recommends it, don't try...rather B: promote healthy living in your household. So Jessie has jumped from the 70th percentile to the 95th? Well how is Jessie getting her food? Who is buying Jessie all her computer games and letting her watch TV. If it really bothers you, perhaps the whole family needs to make a change. Declare a no TV month (WHATTT????). Go for a family hike. Quit making or buying desserts and go for healthy smoothies instead. The key is not to isolate Jessie as the "fatty of the family", how will that make her feel? That's just going to send her to the internet with tears in her eyes as she learns how to try some crazy bad diet or to the freezer for a carton of ice cream because ice cream doesn't insult her. That is NOT what you want.  Often times, if healthy eating and regular activity are a normal part of life, unnecessary pounds burn themselves.And in the end, so what if you have a large child? Large kids are just as good as small ones. Stop stressing and make sure your child knows they are loved regardless.

For those struggling with an eating disorder or know someone who is, help is available. Visit: http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-help-support

Stress and Smells

Back aches, head aches, joint aches, ache aches, heart burn, using the bathroom every 20.7 minutes, weird eating habits, and more. Just a list of what I've heard to be some of the most common pregnancy quirks. It seems that their being annoying comes from the fact that they're almost constant rather than unbearable. Good thing babies are so darn wonderful.

For me, the constant and occasionally exasperating reminder of a cute bun in the oven is my dog like sense of smell.

my thoughts exactly

Italian food, my husband's soaps, bread baking (so sad), brownies, fish, and so much more nearly topple me over the edge with their nausea inducing power. One Sunday night with hardly any food in the house (grocery stores smell weird too) my husband fried up some old fish and added onion and garlic. Keep in mind that we have a basement apartment that clings to smell like nobody's business. Needless to say, the poor man had an up close and personal experience with a hormone induced explosion of tears, wails, and gnashing of teeth. His right eye is still twitching. I'm not proud of my actions, but it is what it is. It seems that pregnancy can be somewhat of a refiners fire for men as well as women (not to be too dramatic...).

But, this mini super power of mine has it perks, such as giving me dinner ideas. Every evening as I'm walking to work or they gym I smell my neighbors dinner..."mmm someone's making soft tacos smothered in chili verde sauce with lime rice and, wait is that...a hint of cilantro?" or "oooooohhh enchiladas!" or "wow meat loaf...and sniff sniff rosemary and onion roasted potatoes!?". You think I'm kidding. Nope. I swear my neighbors barbecue every day and every time I smell their succulent cow I'm tempted to press my nose against their window until they invite me in.

My favorite perk though is my greater appreciation for the smells of nature. Who knew a walk in the rain could be so wonderful! I have LOVED smelling the flowers bloom, spring storms, and the dirt that everyone's using for their gardens.

This week has been very stressful. The insurance we're trying to get has been 99.7% impossible to deal with and keeps rejecting us (long story), our school health insurance won't pay for what they said they would, I'm not sure if I registered for Chinese rocket science or Physiology, (either way I have no clue what's going on), I feel like I have no time to keep my house nice and make decent meals (so we end up with peanut butter and ketchup sandwhichs) and in a moment of brilliance I signed up for a needed class during a work shift...great. Needless to say I was kind of on edge this week.

BUT...I loved the smell of being outside. As I'd walk to campus sniffing on some of nature's best (in polluted Provo) I'd feel my worries melt. My heightened, super power sense was just the distraction I needed from my problems. On one afternoon as I walked home, smelling the oncoming rain storm, I listened to a man whistle one of my favorite hymns. An overwhelming love and understanding from my Heavenly Father filled my heart and brought peace and hope. I knew that no matter what happened, all would be well. And it will be :) As usual, life is good.

***Side note: If it seems like all of my posts about pregnancy are complaints, I'm sorry. Just a reminder that I am more than ecstatic about my baby and already love it more than I thought possible. My pregnancy has been such a blessing and I really am grateful. I guess I just find all the changes to my body somewhat amusing and interesting so that's what I end up talking about.

Microfilm Madness

Finals week! Studying, testing, worrying, blah blah blah. I decided I needed a brain break and so I thought I'd talk about some of what's been going on.

First, Carter was nominated and elected as an ASCE officer for BYU (American Society of Civil Engineers). I'm not sure what he'll do, and we don't know exactly which position will be his, but we're excited.

I think he can do anything. I also think he'll be mad I put this up....oops....

Also, Carter and I have officially begun our careers as Provo Temple Ordinance workers. For those of you who aren't familiar with LDS temples, they are very special, sacred places where worthy Latter Day Saint members go to worship. In them, we make promises to our Heavenly Father and seal our families forever. Because Carter and I live so close to the Provo Temple, we've had the opportunity to go pretty often (its a cheap date night) and every time we do, I feel an increase of peace and love from my Heavenly Father. We're very excited! Because I'm pregnant, I'll only be able to work for the next six months, but Carter plans to stick with it, if he can, until he graduates in December of '14.
Learn more about LDS temples here 

San Diego Temple

Ok, so this is probably not interesting to anyone besides my aunt and I, but I just have to share. I am NOT a family researcher. I've always struggled, and still struggle with familysearch.org and have never found myself enthralled with indexing. However, during last fall semester I decided that my attitude needed to change, so I signed up for a family history research class. Well I ended up with a professor who is more than slightly crazy about family history and was eager for us all to become pros. It seemed like everyone in my class already knew a lot, and so feeling very insignficant and unworthy, I often sat in the back and tried to disappear. For the grand finale project of the semester we had to go down to the Salt Lake City Family History Library to do some original family research from primary records (no using ancestry.com or other like websites). I was really nervous but ended up with an interesting project from my aunt. Basically I had to establish a relationship between one seemingly parentless women and what we thought might be her family. Long story short, after looking up various microfilms and going over the records I found one tiny paragraph in German that proved the relationship. THAT WAS SO EXCITING!

I think my face might have looked like this

Or this.  

  Holy moly I was so happy! Anyways, that little experience has made me really excited about family history. It's so cool to learn more about your ancestors! Plus going through microfilms is really neat---in another life I would've been some sort of history major. I love old records, and just old things in general, so playing with microfilms really fascinates me. Anyways, the point in my writing this was not to brag about my one miniscule triumph, but to remind everyone that no matter how little you know, you can contribute something to your family history. Really guys, this stuff is pretty cool.

General Conference with Friends

Last weekend Carter and I were invited to stay with some of our friends in Salt Lake City for conference weekend. We headed down on Friday afternoon and spent the evening eating Japanese food, Bear Country cookies (the BEST! Gateway Mall by Downeast) and catching up with friends. We had the opportunity to attend a session at the Salt Lake City temple with my friend Shelby, her mom Wendy, and her Grandma Cathy. That was so special and fun. I truly admire those women, and really appreciated enjoying such a neat experience with them. On Saturday morning we joined friends and family on the Conference Center sidewalks begging for tickets.  

Sign by Adam Quist, picture by Shelby Quist. Yes Shelbs I stalked and stole your pic. Sorry...not really.

  We attended the morning and afternoon sessions on Saturday, and then while the boys went to Priesthood, the rest of the girls went shopping at the City Creek Mall and I took a nap. Sitting in 4 hours of conference is just so much work...not...but oh well. After Priesthood we all went to a fancy dinner and did some hot tubbing.

On Sunday morning Carter and I watched our ADORABLE little niece Kyrie Bitnoff while her parents Gracie and Kevin went to the session. We were able to watch from the hotel room while we played with Kyrie. She is such a cutie! 

		What a doll!

 After the morning session, I felt really tired and sick so we decided to head out early and watch the afternoon session in Provo. We are so grateful for the opportunity listen to the words of living prophets. We believe that God loves his children, and has set up his church on the Earth so that we can receive the necessary ordinances that will enable us to live with Him again. The Prophets are the head leaders of the church here on the Earth and receive revelation for the church. I testify that these men are true servants of Jesus Christ. They are all humble, brilliant, good, Christ like souls who work selflessly for the kingdom. A study of any of their lives will leave one feeling amazed. It's always a joy to hear them speak, or rather to feel the Spirit that their words invite. I'm always reminded to be a little better, a little kinder, and to try a little harder. 

Gotta love President Monson's funny stories, Elder Holland's way of making you feel like you ought to get up and do something, Elder Bednar's penetrating stare, President Uchtdorf's reassurance, and President Eyering's touching testimony. All the talks were so great!

   Anyways, one of the highlights of the weekend was spending time with our friends. We stayed at the Sheraton Hotel with the Bearry Clan (consisting of the Quists, Hatchs, and usually another Bearry family and the Greenes but they weren’t there). I have never met such generous people. Every conference, the matriarch (Sister Cathy Bearry) and her husband Selby take their grandkids to SLC from California for conference. They stay in fun hotels, swim, shop, and take notes as they listen to the messages. All of the grandkids are best friends. Most of them have grown up together and have that awesome “cousin relationship” where you’re not stuck together as siblings, but able to be super goofy because your family. Shelby, my photographer friend, began inviting me to join my senior year of high school. I could go on and on about the fun I've had but that’d take forever. All I know is that if all those Bearrys don’t make it to the Celestial Kingdom, I’m not sure who will. They are so kind, welcoming, and generous. They’ve always made Carter and I feel like a part of the family. We hope to be like them someday.

Our goodbye to them was bitter sweet as it will be the last time that I will see my friend Shelby for a while. She’s always been such a good example, and a truly SELFLESS friend. She’s the type of girl who doesn’t hold grudges or act petty. She’s a genuine, fun person who doesn’t put on a show for people. When we first started hanging a lot I remember telling my mom “She’s just so…herself! She’s not dramatic at all! She’s just fun!” As I fell in love with Carter and decided to marry him, she was there every step of the way. I love this girl and am so proud of her for choosing to serve a mission. I’ll miss her a lot, but she’s going to do a lot of good. 

Shelby

Last weekend was so fun. I felt kind of bad for being so blah feeling; I wasn’t very talkative or fun, but oh well. Hopefully there will be future conference weekends with friends where instead of nausea I’ll have a cute little baby. But anyways, we’re just so blessed. Really, life is great.