It's 9:59 pm and I FINALLY get to go shower and listen to my favorite vlog. I've literally been waiting for this moment all day long. But first, I felt compelled to document this little slice of my life. I want to remember what it feels like to be right here right now and I want to soak in all that I've learned...
There has been so much GOOD going on: We just got back from an amazing family reunion, one we've anticipated for months (more like years!) and it was awesome. I'll write more about that one of these days. I also got to spend time with my in laws last night and tonight, and that always brightens my day. They are good people, and great helpers. Carter is working his tail off to get everything ready for a big concrete pour we're doing Saturday. He's single-handedly transforming our back yard into a little boy heaven and I love him for it. I'm taking interesting classes that speak to my soul and help me define what I want to contribute. We have fun friends coming to visit soon and I'm in the midst of planning a fun birthday party for Jackson...basically life is FULL of GREAT things.
But that's just it...it's so FULL. And it's exhausting! I definitely prefer it this way, but sometimes, when it gets to be 10pm and I'm just starting to unwind, I wonder what needs to give. I feel the pull of so many amazing opportunities and goals and I struggle to find what is "best". For example: I have a wonderful professor who is stretching me, and helping me develop as a writer and thinker. This may lead to awesome opportunities in a field that both terrifies, but also exhilarates me. I feel parts of my heart saying YES! THIS IS FOR YOU! But I'm also scared/busy and would rather just not. But then would there be regret? Probably...
I also have two busy little boys who are both going through interesting stages...Jayden is in the midst of being a three-nager and Jackson is transitioning from baby-hood to full blown toddler-hood. Training/nurturing an almost two year old who wants control takes a lot of deliberate thinking. They've been fighting more and more and I need to figure out how to teach them to be gentle and selfless (yes I know they're only 3 and almost 2 but I'm laying a foundation!). Motherhood requires a lot of thought, prayer, reading, trying new things...and back to prayer. I'm learning more and more that I am essentially a very selfish, proud, hot tempered, and high strung person who desperately needs Jesus every hour. It's so important to me that I do right by my kids---and I always wonder if I'm doing enough. And then I just get tired because I'm sure that I'm not enough, so I give up for the day and go to bed.
I've got a big project I'm trying to get going (for those interested, check out familymatterspodcast.blogspot.com). It's still in its baby stages...but we'll see where that goes. It was originally supposed to be for school but has turned into a way to use my voice. I love it, but again, it's something else on the plate. I've got church responsibilities which I basically always mess up. But they haven't fired me yet, so I guess I'll keep trying! And then last, I'm 30 weeks pregnant and honestly not feeling good most of the time. This has been the most uncomfortable pregnancy, but I've been my busiest so luckily I don't have time to dwell on it. And holy cow, it just occurred to me that I have a baby coming in like two months. WHATTTT AMMM IIII GOOOINGG TO DOOOOOOOOO with three kids?? Survival mode is definitely on my horizon... But wow I'm excited. I seriously love this baby so much. He's my little buddy and I'm so excited to hold him on the outside....but I should probably think about getting ready...
Also, budgeting sucks. It just does. Don't you hate that you have to worry about not spending too much? I certainly do. We're planning a giant save-a-thon for the month of June to meet some financial goals and I'm dreading it. Yes yes yes yes I know. It's important to be responsible, yada yada, yada but sometimes I just hate it.
Anyways...those are some of my stressors. The great balancing act is the task of mortality right? I don't mean at all for this post to be a laundry list of complaints or a "look at me! look at me!"...I was just feeling overwhelmed and wanted to vent. And since I have my very own blog.....I get to do what I want. All in all, life is full! But it is wonderful. I think I'll take my shower now....
