My Hope is in Christ

*****This excerpt from my journal is the voicing of answers to questions I've had about why I and others go through hard things that seem unfair and just plain dumb. I hope all readers (if there are any haha) will be respectful of my faith :) I felt compelled to share, even though it absolutely terrifies me. It's a bit heavy and boring...sorry****

I’m sitting on my dirty porch, watching the little boys run around the muddy yard while their dad chops at roots. I should be finishing an assignment….folding laundry….preparing dinner….chopping roots…or straitening the toys strewn across the family room floor. But the deep, continually percolating thoughts in my heart feel about ready to come forward. So, before I lose my nerve, I think I’ll stop and give them their due.

It seems as though every day I read another story where one of my brothers or sisters in Christ express their feelings of loss, pain, isolation, and hopelessness because of their circumstances. Whether due to others’ actions, mental illness, physical ailments, or a variety of things, they’re hurting. They hear the promised blessings of gospel living and, despite trying so hard, continue to feel burdened by their circumstances. Often times they are stung by unwise counsel, misunderstandings, thoughtless words, and well meaning reminders of the blessings they feel they will never have. I hear their words, the feelings they bravely share with me or with the public, and I wonder why. Why can’t it be a simple formula where righteousness always equals the blessings we so desperately want.

As a young girl and teenager this is how I assumed it’d work. I thought if I was good: read my scriptures, said my prayers, kept the standards, dotted my i’s and crossed my t’s, I’d eventually get every good thing I wanted. As I’ve crossed the threshold of adulthood however, I see such is not the case. Certainly there are blessings from striving to keep the commandments, but those blessings are not centered around us and our agenda, but around the fact that it is through exercising faith, that we are enabled to be closer to our Heavenly Father and Savior.

Ultimately, I've found that joy comes from knowing my Savior and Heavenly Father. It comes from having the Holy Ghost as my companion. It does not come from having a fancy home, nice car (Thank goodness! My bumper is currently held on by duct tape…) or yearly vacations. It doesn’t even come solely from having children or being married. Certainly those things are joy filled blessings; but they are blessings because they enable me to better become like my Heavenly Father and Savior, and thus prepare myself to return to their presence. I am firmly committed to family and its importance. After all, I married my sweet heart at 19 and had a baby 10 months later J But the reason my family brings me joy is because to truly serve, love, and enjoy them I am forced to let God change me into someone more like Him (even though it’s painful and I generally fight every step of the way). ******* In making sacred covenants to my husband and Heavenly Father, I enter a path that leads me to become like Him. And being like Him is what brings happiness.

When I exercise faith and choose to love the Savior with my life, I find hope. I find hope because I am able to cast my burdens onto Him and trust that all will be OK in the end because of Him. So often, I think it is in the broken parts of my life that I find my desperate need and love for the Savior.

I think of Captain Mormon, the famous historian, and his long life of violence. He became a general for a wicked people, a people destined for destruction, at the age of 15. Imagine his life: filled with the horror of watching his loved ones lose their souls and lives. Imagine the PTSD, the sleepless nights and tear stained pillows. I wonder if and when his sweet heart was stripped from him. I wonder if all of his children stayed true to the faith, or if they joined in the wickedness around him. How did he do it? How did he go on when his life was so far from the perfect? I believe the answer lies in Mormon 1:15: He “tasted and knew of the goodness of Jesus”.

Did you read that? It didn’t say: he tasted and knew of the goodness of eternal marriage, or the goodness of bearing children, or the goodness of his dream career. The one thing that gave him the courage and motivation in the midst of darkness was his…our…Savior Jesus Christ. It was by coming to know Him, that Mormon found his joy, his slice of heaven on Earth. 

I think it is no coincidence that in these most recent latter days, as questions concerning the origins of happiness and fulfillment plague our hearts, our inspired leaders tell us to get back to the Savior. I need to take the Sabbath day, particularly the Sacrament, seriously. I need to remember Him, and what He’s done. I am here to show Heavenly Father that more than all else, I love Him and want to return to Him. In utilizing the Atonement daily, I find the joy that comes from this slow, uniquely personal, journey towards exaltation.

This is not to say we shouldn't strive for good things. Of course we should! We should do all in our power for the blessings we desire! But sometimes, despite our efforts, blessings are withheld. Waiting for unrealized blessings is agonizing and I think it's healthy and natural to mourn in our unique ways. But in our mists of darkness, where we feel so alone and at odds, I hope we can remember this: Our hope is in Christ. He did what He said He would. He knows us. He loves us more than we can comprehend. He will mourn with us. He truly is the best, kindest, most caring friend we can have. He will lighten our burdens, open pathways, and give us the strength to find joy amidst pain.

I don’t know whose difficult story I will hear about tomorrow. My heart already aches for it. I hope I can provide a hug, listening ear, or the right words to the next heart poured out to me. I hope I will be willing to wrestle with God, to get answers to things I don’t understand. I hope I will continually seek witnesses from the Spirit to know that the counsel from the Lord’s chosen servants does indeed come from Him. I hope that whenever my next trial strikes, I will remember to cling to my Savior. Most of all, I hope I will trust that no matter what, my hope is in Christ, and because of that, I can have joy in all things.

***** Post Edit Note: I am not saying that eternal marriage and the creation of families are not important, or just "good things we could possibly fill our times with". I hope no one took my words as such. As we know, the doctrine of the family is  such that marriage and family creation is pivotal to the Plan of Salvation. The Earth was created, the fall happened, and the Atonement was performed all so we could have a place to have families. Matrimony is essential to becoming just like God. I have a testimony of all of that: my point was that when those blessings don't happen for us, or when difficulties arise in our families (as they will for everyone), that doesn't mean we're doomed to a miserable Earth life or that we are somehow "less than". As Elder Christofferson says: "With confidence we testify that the Atonement of Jesus Christ has anticipated and, in the end, will compensate all deprivation and loss for those who turn to Him. No one is predestined to receive less than all that the Father has for His children" (bold emphasis added). Anyways, I hope nobody thought I was diminishing the importance of family. My beliefs about family are best articulated in the following talks:
"Why Marriage, Why Family"
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/04/why-marriage-why-family?lang=eng&_r=1

"Teaching the Doctrine of the Family"
https://www.lds.org/liahona/2011/03/teaching-the-doctrine-of-the-family?lang=eng

"Defenders of the Family Proclamation"
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/04/defenders-of-the-family-proclamation?lang=eng&_r=1