Married Friends...

 A couple weeks ago we moved to California for the summer and it's been great. I'll post details another time because for now I'm feeling engulfed by gratitude and I need to write about it.

 I love my life. I have LOVED the time Carter and I have spent as young married students, especially since we've gotten to be in Provo. Provo is definitely not my favorite place, but it does have some of my favorite people. We've had the opportunity to be in a young married student ward (a ward is the congregation you meet with for church based off of where you live) and we have developed some wonderful friendships. We're all young, poor students trying to figure out this whole being a married adult thing, and it really brings us together. Almost every weekend we'd end up either hiking, playing card games, making a meal or just talking for hours with at least one other couple. Sometimes we'd get fancy and go to dinner or the dollar theater (that's right, movie tickets are only ONE dollar).

 Our ward had lots of fun activities that we'd all put on. One friend did a monthly craft night, another headed up the book club, I lead weekly aerobics and then every now and then a group would put together a dinner party or something. Just a month ago all of us girls dropped off our unwanted clothes at the church house and then we all "shopped" for each other's stuff. Once, all the guys had a "games and steak" night where they played video games and ate over $150 worth of steak. I felt a little jealous and left out so I invited all the wives to come over to my place and we ate chocolate and talked about our feelings. It was really fun!

 Carter and I have gotten really close to some of the couples and decided we all need to stay in touch and go on trips together someday when we're all old and established. But in the mean time, I'm so grateful for this stage of life and the people we've met. We've shared a lot of laughs and fellowship with some amazing people. Although I am LOVING every minute we get to spend here in California, it'll be fun to go back to the "young and married" scene in Provo at the end of the summer.

 In the mean time, we're soaking up the sun and hoping to earn a lot of money and wakeboard as much as we can! I'm a real dummy and almost never took pictures of the stuff we'd do with our friends, but here are a couple. I wish I had thought to take pictures of all the people we love!

One of our favorite couples ever! We love these guys and always have a good time with them. 

A baby shower I hosted for my friend just a month ago. She's due any day! 

A Perfect Panini: the Sixth Love Language

 When Carter and I were engaged we read Gary Chapman's "What I Wish I had Known Before I got Married" and within it was a recap of his famous "love languages". We took the test to discover what our "language" was and discussed our results. Mine was a toss up between words of affirmation and physical touch and Carter's was acts of service and physical touch. Carter felt comfortable with his results but I questioned mine. Don't get me wrong, I am a SUCKER for genuine compliments---tell me why you love me and I'm all yours. But the truth is, I like all the other languages too. I'm multilingual. Now you're probably thinking--well that's great! She'll be pleased with anything! But the kicker is that, yes all the languages work for me, but only at various times. Sometimes, a couple flowers would make my day, and other times I really need a hand with the housework, and sometimes I would most appreciate an hour of quality time. Basically, I'm an unpredictable mess.

 Now I PROMISE I recognize that this is unreasonable--I do NOT expect anyone (especially my husband) to cater to whatever my current love language is. That would just be silly. There's no way to predict them. So I signed myself as a hopeless case and moved on. Until I found a language that seems to always do the trick.

 Carter is many things: handsome, kind, hard working, patient...he's also a total sandwich snob. No simple sandwiches for that guy. I used to think a sandwich was merely putting a few tasties in between bread, but apparently its much more than that, in fact there's a whole art to it. He never complains about whatever lame sandwich I make him, but over our year+ of marriage I've noticed that when he makes himself a sandwich its always a very carefully executed masterpiece. One day, after incorporating some tricks introduced to us by friends, Carter created what would immediately become my ever reliable sixth love language. The perfect panini. A cheesy, delicious, crispy, full of flavor panini,. Mmmmm mmm mmmm that language always conveys love and appreciation. We've since become panini maniacs and usually eat at least three a week. They've become such a significant part of our lives that I felt like I needed to share some pictures so our posterity would know why the little $8 DI george forman grill comes up so often in my journal entries. So here posterity: this is what the hubbub is all about. And if you're ever feeling like none of the love languages consistently apply to you, put together one of these puppies and remember me :)

cheese, turkey, lettuce, tomato, avacodo, and caesar dressing in between sour dough bread...mmmmm

From Cougar to Viking: A Change in School Plans

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother. I love children, their innate goodness and purity is such a light. Deep in my heart is a yearning to care for, nurture, teach, and strengthen them. I was that little girl who played house and loved on her baby dolls. Once in high school when I met with an academic advisor he asked me about my post grad plans. I told him I planned to attend and graduate from college, but ultimately I wanted my career to be in the home as a mother. He laughed and said he was sure my plans would change when I found my niche. Well, they haven't changed. I'm blessed to have a husband who fully supports and encourages me in this desire. We've decided that as long as we can swing it economically, I would stay home.

 When Jayden was born I still had about 2.5 semesters of school before I could graduate. Carter and I worked out our class schedules so one of us could be with him while the other went to class. On paper it looked like everything would work out, but deep down I had many misgivings. I worried about being able to balance school, mothering, and my marriage. I desperately hoped that I'd be able to give each its due energy, but when the semester started I knew that I wouldn't. Some women can and I so admire and applaud that, but I couldn't. After many prayers, and a powerful priesthood blessing I decided to withdraw from my semester with the faith that somehow, someway I would be able to finish my education without neglecting my family.

 This was a difficult decision, and though I knew I made the right choice, I felt sad. I'd always worked hard at school and made finishing at least a bachelors degree an important goal in my life. I wanted both the personal growth and professional qualifications that come from pursuing higher education. I know that having your degree isn't the end all be all for a happy, productive life, but it was an important goal to me, and I was upset I couldn't do everything right now. So I began focusing on getting various certifications to become a fitness instructor. If I couldn't pursue my degree, at least I could have that to stretch my brain.

 After a while I began researching various online degree programs. None seemed to fit my situation until I came across a program through BYU-Idaho. I sent in an application and was eventually accepted! I am now set to start as a full time online student beginning April 22. I've decided to take only 9-12 credits at a time so that I can balance everything, but I'll still get done eventually! I'm so grateful for the opportunity and can't wait to get started.

 I know that every woman is different; some choose to never finish their degree--they don't need it to do the good that they do. And some spend many years collecting a number of degrees and then use them to also bring about a lot of good. We're all unique, with our own stories. I hope that anybody reading this (if anybody does read this!) who went about their education differently from me doesn't feel like I'm saying there's one right way. Because there isn't. I just know what's right for me, so I'm taking life by it's horns and getten'r'done. And I'm so grateful for the opportunity to do so!

Love hanging out with this sweet boy each day...somebody loves their sweet potatoes

Discovering a kitty

Muddling Through Sleepless Nights

 I've been struggling lately. Jayden has never been a good sleeper. He is almost six months old and still wakes up 4-7 times during the night. Now I know what you're thinking, and yes I have researched and tried various sleep training methods. I personally feel that the modified cry it out method would be best, but our upstairs neighbors can hear Jayden during the night so I feel bad letting him scream for very long. No one wants to listen to their own kid scream at 3 am, let alone somebody's elses. He's mostly good about going to bed at night because I put him down around the same time and have established a fairly consistent routine. I moved him out of our bedroom and into the family room with the hopes that he wouldn't be disturbed by our movements, but no luck. I know not to feed him every time he wakes up so he's not dependent on drinking to fall asleep. He just wakes up so easily, doesn't know how to go back to sleep on his own, and then gets very angry because he's awake. In a couple weeks we'll be in California for the summer, and I'll be able to really sleep train; but in the mean time I'm going slightly insane.

 I love my little boy. I love him in a way that I can't explain. But I honestly can't remember the last time I got more then 2.5 straight hours of sleep and I'm starting to lose it. Monday night was especially bad. I needed to get up at 5 to teach a work out class, but ended up not getting to bed until about 11. In the six hours that I slept, Jayden woke up 5 times, and he didn't just wake up, he woke up screaming with all the energy his little 13 pound body could muster. I had no idea what was wrong and was so tired that it was a struggle to be patient. I thought back to what I'd eaten to see if there was anything that might have upset his tummy, but couldn't pin point anything. Carter also woke up to help, but even though he tried to take over so I could sleep, my body was so alert to the cries of my baby that I couldn't relax. It was a difficult night to say the least. 

 The next morning I taught a hard work out class and then had to take a very important test online. Right before I was scheduled to take my test, I learned that the proctoring company wouldn't be able to administer the test because of the network I was using. I know that's not a big deal; but I'd been preparing for months and was super ready to get it over with. To spend an hour on the phone with tech support only to reschedule was very frustrating. Then when I went home I had a sink full of dishes, about 3,459 loads of laundry to do, and a baby who was once again screaming like a banshee. I know none of these things are very hard trials; really my life is incredibly great. But after months of not sleeping well I've gone a little loopy and mere molehills seem like insurmountable mountains.

 Anyways, I was officially over it and asked Carter to come home early so we could tag team the crazy baby. He did, and suddenly things were about 10 times easier. Just having him around lightens whatever tizzy I'm in. He took over while I sat on the couch and cried. Then I prayed. Sometimes when I pray too casually, without any focus, I struggle to make a connection with God. But that was not the case this time; something about being at my wits end helped me reach out with all that I had. I didn't see an angel, or a burning bush, or even feel any sort of overwhelming feeling. I simply felt peace. I felt an increase of love in my heart for my precious baby and sweet husband. I was reminded of how important my role in Jayden's life is, and that even if no one notices the little things I do, God does, and he smiles.

 I have many role models in my life, people who've worked hard to accomplish great things. But the role models I admire most are a few kind, good woman who have spent their life selflessly nurturing others. Some have children of their own, some don't. But each quietly go out of their way to be good to and love on other people, especially the rising generation. Merely being in their presence makes you want to be a better person. I can only imagine how many "sleepless nights full of screaming babies" they've had to wade through to get where they are; but as I've seen the end result I've decided that it must have been worth it. So here's to muddling through life's little difficulties with the hope that in the end we'll all be better people.

It's no fun being up a lot..but smiles like these make it easier! 

Napping off a long night 

:)

The flowers Carter brought home for me :)

Of Mountains and Manly Men

There's something therapeutic about spending time in nature. Especially when that time involves doing something difficult. Over the past few weekends Carter, Jayden and I have been taking a couple hours to either hike or run in the mountains. Provo may not be the prettiest place in the world, but it sure has amazing mountains and as I've spent some time in them I've been rejuvenated and uplifted.

But...I've also been humbled...and felt a little jealous. See, I'm an active person and actually enjoy exercise (which is a good thing because I also really enjoy ice cream. And chocolate. And pizza. And cookies. And mashed potatoes. And so much more). I'm fairly consistent with getting my 4-6 workouts a week so when I suggested to Carter that we go for a run in the canyon I secretly thought it'd be a good opportunity for him to see how cool and fast I was. I guess I just like to try to impress him or something.

So anyways, on the morning of our run I nonchalantly put on my cutest running outfit and did my hair in a sassy pony tail. We got to the trail and began.....I thought I was going to die. We started out quickly and I assumed that Carter would slow down eventually. Nope. He sped up. People, this is a man who HATES running. He NEVER runs, unless I very sweetly ask him to go with me. He's good about going to the gym, but he keeps his workouts to lifting only. Yet there he was, smokin my trash, while pushing the stroller no less. He kept trying to make conversation with me, not seeming to notice that at any moment I was going to pass out. Or throw up.

Now maybe I'm exaggerating a little. Once Carter reads this he's going to scoff and say "but we weren't even going fast". Yes honey, we were. You're just insane. Or I'm slower than a wounded caterpillar. Probably both actually. But regardless, that was a fast run. Faster than I've done in a couple years actually, so I guess it was good.

Just today we hiked the Y. It was wonderful to look out over the valley, taking a moment to step outside our lives and just appreciate the beauty. As I looked down over the city I couldn't help but wish I could tell all the bustling busy people to slow down and relax for a moment. There's something about climbing a mountain that reminds you of the big picture. It reminds you that all those little things we stress over really don't matter in the long run. Anyways it was a wonderful hike. Carter was good about taking it at my pace..so naturally we were passed by far more people than we passed and almost got lapped by a girl who was doing hill repeats. Literally she began after we started up the trail and was on her second time up by the time we started our way down. Nuts.

Here's a few pictures of our adventures. Unfortunately I'm a horrible photographer so please excuse the shadows.

The cool wrap my mom gave me that we use to keep Jayden secure while we hike

Trail head of the Y

On the top...notice Jayden completely conked out. Hiking is hard. 

The valley! 

Family pic a sweet girl took for us. Unfortunately we didn't notice Carter's closed eyes until after she left. Once again, Jayden is sleeping. 

Hiking in the canyon. I love that little guy poking out of dad's jacket! 

My handsome guys on our run in the canyon

Finished and sweaty. So much for a sassy pony tail. Jayden's monster sweatshirt is cute though

The God I Know

I've been thinking about my beliefs lately; searching my soul for what drives me to live the way I do. As I've done so, I've felt compelled to share a little. I believe in God; I believe in a God who is both the omniscient creator of the Universe and my personal heavenly Father. I believe He is a literal being, and that we are formed in His image. I don't know exactly how he created the Universe---whether it was done in 6 days or billions of years; I think he has allowed us to know more through science about how some of that process happened. But overall I don't think He is as concerned with us understanding how He manages to be God as he is concerned with us knowing that He is. That He IS there, that He DOES know us personally, and most importantly that He loves us. He wants us to be happy, and to return to live with and eventually become like Him.

 I know that with all of my heart. As I've sought to be pure and good, and as I've knelt in quiet prayer, sincerely asking if He exists and if He knows and loves ME, I've felt a peaceful, powerful assurance that He does. He is the Father of my eternal Spirit and He loves me. I have peace in my life because I know He is there. I have confidence in myself because I know that to Him, I have infinite worth. I am a Daughter of God, loved, understood, and cherished by Him. I love my fellowmen and believe it is SO important to treat them with love and respect because they too are His children.

 I've absolutely had hard times in my life. I've had moments where I felt very alone, where I've fallen to my knees in angry, desperate prayer, wondering why I'd been abandoned and faced to deal with some very difficult emotional struggles. I understand when someone says that they just don't feel God's love for them, and that they don't understand why someone who everyone claims to be so loving could allow them to struggle so much. I understands that sometimes it's easier to think that there isn't a God because if there was there wouldn't be so much filth in this world. Honestly, I don't have all the answers. I don't know why some people have it so hard; but I know that God is there. I know He allows us to hurt and face difficult challenges because in some way, it will eventually make us stronger and better. Difficulties have the ability to make us more empathetic, more persevering, more kind, more patient, more selfless, more Godlike. As we struggle, but still turn to God, trusting in His wisdom, and trusting that He understands and feels our pain, but still allows us to grow, we are strengthened and able to cast off our burdens to Him. My little baby Jayden hates getting shots. As soon as the needle pricks his little foot he starts screaming, crying as though he's been abandoned and forgotten. But the truth is, he's in my arms. I cry along with him because I HATE to see him in pain, but I know that he needs the shots to be healthy and strong.

As I've gone back and reviewed my memories and journal entries of some very difficult times I've seen how my God did not abandon me. Friends and family were sent to me at critical times, priesthood blessings strengthened me, and in quiet moments when I was able to clear my mind and just trust, I felt His peace; I felt His love.

I believe in a God who respects our agency, our ability to choose for ourselves. He does not control or force us to follow Him. Unfortunately though, sometimes bad, horrible things happen to us because of the unrighteous exercise of someone else's agency. Sometimes people make bad choices and it negatively affects me; and while it'd be easy to wish that God would force them to not do bad things to me, I know He won't because he respects their ability to choose.

However, just because God respects our agency doesn't mean He doesn't care what we chose. There absolutely is a right and wrong. In order for there to be choice, there must be opposition. There must be a law in order for us to break it. God has revealed a way to live that will enable us to be happy because of the natural consequences that follow. For example, we know that if we eat a huge bag of candy in one sitting we're going to have a tummy ache, it's just a natural consequence. We can choose to not eat the bag of candy or we can choose to eat it. We have that ability, but we cannot choose the consequence, if we eat it we're going to get a tummy ache. God wants us to be happy. He wants us to respect ourselves, work hard, live peacefully and lovingly with our fellow men, and ultimately find joy. Through his word and spokesmen (prophets) He has shown us how we can do so. But we are free to choose whether or not we'll follow.

I think God's ultimate demonstration of love for us comes from his allowing his Son Jesus Christ to come down, live a perfect life, and atone for our sins. The Atonement of Jesus Christ, and what it means for us is an incredibly wonderful, but long topic so I'll save that for another day. Needless to say however, God willingly offering up His Son shows me, more than anything else, that He cares for me and wants me to return to live with Him.

We are not sinners in the hands of an angry God. We are imperfect people with a loving, mercifully just, and tender Heavenly Father who wants so much for us to know how valuable we are. He wants us to be better, try harder, and trust that even when we majorly mess up we still have the opportunity to turn around and go back to Him. There is nothing we can do that will make Him stop loving us. My relationship with Him is what makes me happy, confident, and at peace with my life.

Developing a relationship with God takes time. It takes work, trust, faith, and dilligence. We can't just kneel down once, offering a half hearted prayer, and expect Him to answer all our questions. We have to want it and work for it. But I promise that there's nothing worth working harder for, because when we allow Him in our lives we are so blessed. He loves us. He has a plan and a work for each of us to do. If anyone is interested in learning a little more feel free to contact me or look up this website.

Finally, I completely respect other people's beliefs. I haven't meant to be overbearing or weird. This stuff is just so important to me and I really wanted to share because I want others to know how I find joy and peace.

Another, far more eloquent talk on God can be found here. This was given by a man who has attained many scholastic achievements (including a graduate degree from Harvard) and has done a lot of good in this world. I'd highly recommend you looking up what he has to say.

Green Smoothies and Satan's Cookies

So I love the idea of a green smoothie. A delicious AND nutritious drink that I can feel good about indulging in sounds too good to be true.....until now. My oh my have I found a winner! This bad boy is packed with protein, complex carbs (from the veggies), vitamins and minerals. It's a PERFECT post workout meal, giving your body all the nutrients it needs to recover. And, (maybe most importantly...) it tastes SO GOOD! Honestly, it's my motivation to get my booty out of bed and to the gym in the morning. I've been so excited about it that I thought I ought to share so that anyone reading can also enjoy. Excuse my lack of exact measurements. I've changed the amounts up each time and get similar results so I don't think it matters too much.

So here you are:

1 medium banana (preferably slightly overripe)
1 medium dollop of light greek yogurt (any flavor, plain if you want to cut out excess sugar)
1 heaping spoonful of peanut butter (go for natural PB! A little pricier but without that nasty hydrogenated oil)
1 handful of frozen berries
1 very generous handful of spinach
Milk (enough to barely see it around the rims of the pile, like you'd put in a bowl of cereal)
1 spoonful of honey.

Blend. Drink up.

If you're feeling chic and trendy put in some kale too. Yes it's kind of expensive but it's full of insane nutrients that will make you feel like a rock star. Or so they say. Also if you're vegan, substitute the milk for almond milk---it'll still be very good. Some people might want to use regular yogurt instead of greek (regular is cheaper). If that's you, go for it, but recognize that it won't be as creamy and you'll be lessening the overall amount of protein and upping the sugar.

Ok, also a couple weeks ago my friend and her husband dropped by a bag of snickerdoodles. Now usually I'm not a snickerdoodle person, but holy moly batman these are GOOD! Within moments I was exercising some insane self control to keep from taking a third, but naturally, that didn't last for very long. I asked my friend for the recipe and she sheepishly confessed that they were actually cake mix cookies. WHATTTT??? I've dubbed them "Satan's cookies" because they are SO easy to make and SO easy to overindulge on. Seriously they're just small and cute and you think "Oh its ok if I only have one, it won't kill me" but next thing you know you've eaten seven and your body is nearly out of insulin.

1 box of white "Supermoist" cake mix
1 egg
1/2 cup of butter
1/4 cup of cinnamon sugar.

mix mix mix. Form into little balls. Roll into cinnamon sugar. 350' for about 10 minutes. Take them out when they look underdone and after they cool they'll be PERFECTLY chewy. mmmmm just thinking about them makes my mouth water. But they've been banned from our apartment because I can't handle only eating one or two.

So there you go cyberspace. Enjoy!